When should you compromise and when do you stand your ground? Well, there’s no real science to it, but many couples figure this out eventually from trial and error.
Trying to compromise all the time and keeping the peace often times means that your opinions aren’t heard or that you may start to resent the person because you’re not getting what you really want.
However, standing your ground and defending your position can mean constant fighting and bickering. What to do?
There are times when you need to decide which course of action is better for both yourself and your relationship. Here are some good examples of when to compromise:
1) They are spending too much time with their friends: Here’s a situation where if you don’t compromise, you risk losing the person you love and making them choose solely between yourself and their friends.
A person needs both, not just one or the other. Figure out a time for just the two of you, and a time just for friends. Perhaps there can be times where you hang out together, as a big group. Compromise and realize that your loved one is not only loved by you and needs to have a life of their own. Learn to share the wealth!
2) When to go out and where to go out: Do you have trouble finding time to see each other or deciding exactly what to do when you are? You’re not alone. So many couples feel they don’t spend enough time together, and when they do, they want to do different things.
Figure out a system where you find some time set apart for just you two, and a way to make sure you do what you both like, not only what just one of you wants to do. For example, one week, you do what you want to do—a walk on the beach, a nice picnic, whatever.
Next week, you can do whatever it is they choose to do—watching the newest blockbuster movie, hookah at your nearby café—anything at all. Just make sure that it’s fair and you feel validated and that both people make decisions.
3) Money Issues: Find a solution where both people help out financially if one is having trouble paying. If you are arguing over who should pay this time, keep a little book that shows who paid last time, so it’s clear and fair to both of you who pays. Making one person pay for everything doesn’t work out most of the time, and letting financial reasons get between you two can really poison a relationship.
Now, here are some instances when you should stand your ground:
1) When you feel betrayed: Do you have suspicions about your partner? If you feel betrayed in any way, you need to make your feelings known and discuss them. If you harbor them, you will start to resent the other person which can lead to other fights that have nothing to do with what you are actually upset about.
Confronting the person doesn’t have to be as dramatic as it may seem. Letting them know you feel betrayed in any way and getting that out there really helps get it off your shoulders. Stand your ground and let them know why you’re feeling this way, and ask them exactly what’s going on. This is one thing that shouldn’t be swept under the rug.
2) Your independence: Don’t compromise your independence. Being in a relationship should be a partnership between two independent people that bring more to each others lives, not two people who complete each other, unlike the cliché.
If you feel like this is being squashed, be vocal and stand your ground. Once your sense of freedom and ability to do what you want to do as an adult is gone, it’s very difficult to retrieve.
3) Your ideals and morals: If you’re very passionate about a certain ideal or feel very strongly about a particular subject, stand up for yourself and let yourself be heard. There is always a time to make compromises, but if you have strong feelings about something, make sure your partner hears you out at least.
If you feel a line has been crossed, you don’t feel comfortable with something, or something is inappropriate, it’s important for that person to know. It’s hard sometimes to stand up to the person you love, but there are times when you should think about yourself first.